I
am increasingly aware of a problem in marriage that no
doubt has been an issue all through the centuries. It is a
problem, however, that has been compounded by changing
technology. Of what do I speak? The problem of married
couples living under the same roof but living separate lives.
Start with a couple that is allowing some emotional distance to grow between them. They are busy with the children, or with work, or even with differing leisure pursuits. Little conversation takes place between them. Oh, they used to talk a lot – about everything. This is what drew them to each other. Deep conversation is what characterized their courtship and their first years of marriage. However slowly, gradually, time and the pressures of life have squeezed out all but the most superficial of conversations: what’s for dinner, carpool arrangements, clothes that need to be washed, the grocery list, and so on. Logistics alone do not a happy marriage make.
This is where modern technology comes in. Smart phones and personal computers make it possible to spend the evenings occupied with different screens watching different programs. The days of a single black and white family television around which the whole family gathered are long gone. Before long, this trend may even develop into spending the evenings in different rooms and going to bed at different times. Worst of all, differing schedules may mean that meals are not eaten together. Instead of family meals, family members scavenge the kitchen and microwave their prey. Alone.
What can be done about this? Fight. Not each other, but this trend. Be intentional. Establish venues in which togetherness is automatic. If couples are at least in the same room at the same time, it is possible for conversation to take place. The impossible at least becomes likely. Fail to do this and vulnerabilities are created. The affections of your spouse may be stolen by a scoundrel who takes the time to listen to what he/she has to say, and talks to him/her about things other than diapers and rent.
Do I have any solutions? No, but I do have a few practical recommendations.
First, eat two meals a day together. There will be exceptions. However, the norm should be two family meals a day. Get up early if necessary for breakfast. Eat late if necessary for dinner.
Second, spend the evening in the same room. Do not go to separate rooms. You may read different things. One may read and the other watch something, or listen to something. But be in the same room. You may choose not to talk. There may be awkward silences. Yet you can talk if you are physically occupying the same space.
Third, compromise on what is to be watched. Develop an interest in your spouse’s interests. My mother watched hours, and hours, and hours of war movies with my father and seemed to enjoy them. Families had to do this when there was one family TV. We can do this again.
Fourth, have family worship together. Read the Bible and pray. Perhaps even sing the Psalm/hymn of the month.
Fifth, build into each other’s schedules. Exercise at the same time and at the same place even if your routines differ. Grocery shop together. Run errands together.
Undoubtedly, you can add to this short list. The point is: live life together. That is why you got married. You didn’t want to be alone. It is not good to be alone.
Do these solutions seem simplistic? Do they fail to get to the heart of the matter? Yes, they are shallow, and yes, they do fail to go deep. There often are much deeper problems in marriage. However, for the moment, I just want to get couples sharing time and space. I am convinced that sometimes things just develop that no one intended because we get busy and life takes over.
My thinking is that if life is structured differently the communication that is now unlikely will take place leading to progress in the deeper issues.
Don’t live separate lives under the same roof. Only if you live together can wives respect and follow the lead of their husbands, and husbands love their wives and live with them in an understanding way.
Start with a couple that is allowing some emotional distance to grow between them. They are busy with the children, or with work, or even with differing leisure pursuits. Little conversation takes place between them. Oh, they used to talk a lot – about everything. This is what drew them to each other. Deep conversation is what characterized their courtship and their first years of marriage. However slowly, gradually, time and the pressures of life have squeezed out all but the most superficial of conversations: what’s for dinner, carpool arrangements, clothes that need to be washed, the grocery list, and so on. Logistics alone do not a happy marriage make.
This is where modern technology comes in. Smart phones and personal computers make it possible to spend the evenings occupied with different screens watching different programs. The days of a single black and white family television around which the whole family gathered are long gone. Before long, this trend may even develop into spending the evenings in different rooms and going to bed at different times. Worst of all, differing schedules may mean that meals are not eaten together. Instead of family meals, family members scavenge the kitchen and microwave their prey. Alone.
What can be done about this? Fight. Not each other, but this trend. Be intentional. Establish venues in which togetherness is automatic. If couples are at least in the same room at the same time, it is possible for conversation to take place. The impossible at least becomes likely. Fail to do this and vulnerabilities are created. The affections of your spouse may be stolen by a scoundrel who takes the time to listen to what he/she has to say, and talks to him/her about things other than diapers and rent.
Do I have any solutions? No, but I do have a few practical recommendations.
First, eat two meals a day together. There will be exceptions. However, the norm should be two family meals a day. Get up early if necessary for breakfast. Eat late if necessary for dinner.
Second, spend the evening in the same room. Do not go to separate rooms. You may read different things. One may read and the other watch something, or listen to something. But be in the same room. You may choose not to talk. There may be awkward silences. Yet you can talk if you are physically occupying the same space.
Third, compromise on what is to be watched. Develop an interest in your spouse’s interests. My mother watched hours, and hours, and hours of war movies with my father and seemed to enjoy them. Families had to do this when there was one family TV. We can do this again.
Fourth, have family worship together. Read the Bible and pray. Perhaps even sing the Psalm/hymn of the month.
Fifth, build into each other’s schedules. Exercise at the same time and at the same place even if your routines differ. Grocery shop together. Run errands together.
Undoubtedly, you can add to this short list. The point is: live life together. That is why you got married. You didn’t want to be alone. It is not good to be alone.
Do these solutions seem simplistic? Do they fail to get to the heart of the matter? Yes, they are shallow, and yes, they do fail to go deep. There often are much deeper problems in marriage. However, for the moment, I just want to get couples sharing time and space. I am convinced that sometimes things just develop that no one intended because we get busy and life takes over.
My thinking is that if life is structured differently the communication that is now unlikely will take place leading to progress in the deeper issues.
Don’t live separate lives under the same roof. Only if you live together can wives respect and follow the lead of their husbands, and husbands love their wives and live with them in an understanding way.